


"Things"

by cadkitten



Category: BORN (band), Dir en grey, MEJIBRAY
Genre: Alcohol, Arguing, Choking, Cold, Confessions, Desire, Drabble Collection, Love, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Regret, Request Meme, Sexual Content, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-11 09:22:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7885474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles for Dir en grey/MEJIBRAY/BORN for the "things" meme. - Die/Kyo, Kyo/Kaoru, Tsuzuku/Ryouga<br/>1) Some things were never meant to be said and some things were simply never meant to be <i>heard</i>. Someone had told Kyo once that it was better to say nothing at all than to regret the words spoken in the past, but it had never been anything he took to heart. Perhaps he should have, should have realized that between his penchant for being a smartass and how quickly alcohol loosened his lips, that he shouldn't have so much as ventured onto the topic of his once-upon-a-time lover.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HamHamHeaven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamHamHeaven/gifts), [DoctorBibbly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorBibbly/gifts), [tatsie-kun](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=tatsie-kun), [Voxal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voxal/gifts), [SakuraAme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraAme/gifts).



> [Things meme](http://cadkitten.tumblr.com/post/149551367235/send-me-a-ship-and-one-of-these-and-ill-write-a) on tumblr  
> #20, things you said that I wasn't meant to hear  
> This one's for thehamhamheaven  
> Song[s]:"Bad Blood (Live Piano Version)" by Bastille

Some things were never meant to be said and some things were simply never meant to be _heard_. Someone had told Kyo once that it was better to say nothing at all than to regret the words spoken in the past, but it had never been anything he took to heart. Perhaps he should have, should have realized that between his penchant for being a smartass and how quickly alcohol loosened his lips, that he shouldn't have so much as ventured onto the topic of his once-upon-a-time lover.

 

But there was no taking back, no turning around and denying what he'd said once the words were freed upon the air. Nothing in the world could have turned back quite enough time for the words to not come tumbling out, _admitting_ how the best lay he'd ever had in his life had been _Die_ and not his current boyfriend, not the man standing right in front of him. Not a damn thing in the universe could wipe the look of utter _pain_ off of Kaoru's face.

 

It wasn't that he didn't have amazing times with Kaoru or that he didn't like the romps in the hay he had with him. It was - simply put - that Die had _worshiped_ him. The one and only time they'd ever fucked, it had been _less_ that and more a sea of adoration, a tide of heavenly worship that Kyo had never been drowned in before _or since_. There had been hours spent with Die simply touching, kissing, _pleasing_ and that had been before he'd taken him to bed, shown him what sex _could_ be.

 

Kaoru... he was different, separate from all of that. But what person could reasonably say that once they'd had one man, they'd had them all? Every lover was different, distinct in their own ways, and every person compatible on a myriad of different levels _or not_. He and Kaoru, they were compatible, but on a completely separate level. He loved the way he could always rely on a moment's notice being enough for Kaoru, that he could tell him he longed for a nice massage and he'd receive it. There was nothing _wrong_ with how he and Kaoru were together, it was only that the _truth_ was that he simply wasn't the best lay of Kyo's life.

 

Even as Kaoru turned away, left Kyo standing beside Die at the hotel bar, Kyo couldn't bring himself to follow him, to extend the argument in that moment. Nothing could really _fix_ what he'd said, it could only soften the blow or make it worse and with all the alcohol coursing through his system, it would be for the worse.

 

"Even if it is the truth... you shouldn't have said it." Die's voice, meaning well but stirring an itch in his veins that he'd deny until the day he died. Because there were _some things_ that being a good lay didn't make up for and being the world's worst man to date was one of them. The mornings spent wondering where he'd been, the texts and phone calls that implied things Kyo had been nearly certain _hadn't_ happened, and the evenings spent kneeling at his side, holding his hair back in wretched disgust. Two weeks had driven him insane, had pushed him closer to an edge he'd never wanted to truly walk, and so he'd taken himself away from the knife's edge and walked away.

 

Kaoru... Kaoru had happened years down the line, happened because of a million reasons, but the culmination, the coup d'état had been a late night in the studio, a mishap ending in a fraction of a second that they'd both recognized for what it was. There were no regrets in that: in what they were and what they'd become. Kyo would have traded the world for Kaoru.

 

Pushing himself away from the bar, he left his glass behind, made his way after Kaoru, knowing exactly where he'd have gone, and knowing exactly what he had to do. No looking back, no holding back, the truth even if it burned him. Because some things were worth fighting for.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The air conditioner in the corner of the room blasted air that - in Die's opinion - could have rivaled the arctic. Somewhere beneath the nest of covers, Die shivered, not for the first time. It was ridiculous how cold Kyo liked to keep a room when they bothered to stop for a night. He supposed it was due to being on stage, nothing strange if he really thought hard on it, but irritating to his body. He tended to run at least a few degrees cooler than Kyo naturally and adding to it with something showering the room in frigid air never agreed with him completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For mini fic meme on tumblr #12 Things you said when you thought I was asleep - for doctorbibly  
> Song[s]:"Toguro" by Dir en grey

The air conditioner in the corner of the room blasted air that - in Die's opinion - could have rivaled the arctic. Somewhere beneath the nest of covers, Die shivered, not for the first time. It was ridiculous how cold Kyo liked to keep a room when they bothered to stop for a night. He supposed it was due to being on stage, nothing strange if he really thought hard on it, but irritating to his body. He tended to run at least a few degrees cooler than Kyo naturally and adding to it with something showering the room in frigid air never agreed with him completely.

 

Of course, he'd never said a word and he never intended to. Instead, he always took the discarded covers, piled them on his bed, and curled in on himself hoping it would be enough to let him at least get to sleep. Usually it worked. Tonight, it _wasn't_. His mind was exhausted, his body so tired his hands had been shaking at dinner, but try as he might, all he could do when he closed his eyes was mentally scream about how damn _cold_ he was.

 

Swallowing thickly, he pushed his forehead against the pile of pillows, let his body get in a good shiver, and then shoved his hands up in his armpits and sucked in a quiet breath at how cold they were. His toes curled and he forced his thoughts to derail from the icy temperatures - a laughable sentiment if someone looked at the actual thermostat - and onto _anything_ else. Baseball... the interesting IPA he'd had at dinner... and finally a topic that could have warmed him up if he'd been standing at the polar ice cap: _Kyo_.

 

His thoughts danced over the way Kyo's hips had moved to _his_ song on stage tonight, how every elegant twist and erotic grind had been to _his_ composition. His pulse sped up and he bit down on his lower lip, pulling his legs up and huddling closer to the pillows, his body heat having turned them into small space heaters for the time being. Arousal blossomed low in his abdomen and he rocked his hips once against the bed, only allowing the singular movement before he stilled again. Warmth swam through him as he kept right on imagining what Kyo had been doing on stage... what he'd probably had to do _afterward_.

 

Releasing his lip, he buried his face against the pillow completely, reaching to flex his fingers in the fabric. Kyo had been nothing short of a _sex God_ up there tonight and Die had barely managed to keep his focus on what he was supposed to instead of on Kyo. Sometimes he wondered if his fans knew more than Kyo himself did, if they saw the stolen glances, the longing that seeped into his veins when Kyo started in on one of his sex-dipped rampages.

 

Feeling his cock start to harden, he flopped over onto his side, tightening the covers around him and gazing across the darkness of the room toward where he knew Kyo was asleep in the other bed. His words barely a whisper of breath, he let a singular admission free, "You'll never know... but I _want_ you."

 

It was silent for just long enough that Die closed his eyes, told himself he _could_ manage to sleep if only he tried hard enough right now. His eyelashes had barely dusted his cheeks when he heard the quiet reply, Kyo's voice a sleepy rumble. "Well _now_ I know."

 

What an _ass_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He heard the heavy clunk of a box, knowing Kyo had finished shoving his closet into a box and carted it out to the stack beside the door. Back still to him, Kaoru cleared his throat, gaze focusing on the beam of sunlight slowly creeping across the kitchen floor. "You know... I've got a spare room and I'd welcome the company." He didn't bother to make it longer than that, not so much a question as an offer, and _yet_ his heart still hammered painfully in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the "things" meme on tumblr - #10. Things you said that made me feel like shit. - tatsie-kun  
> Song[s]: "DIABOLOS" by Dir en grey

Kaoru settled his hip against the doorframe, fingers lightly tracing over the warmth of his coffee mug. His gaze was distant, absently trailing over the nearly empty room. Not for the first time, he was helping Kyo move. It wasn't all that difficult anymore, most everything easily tossed into boxes, Kyo having downed his possessions to only things he truly needed or wanted, none of the random crap sitting around the house any longer after so many frequent moves.

 

The first had been to get him into the heart of the city, the next to the fringes because he was helping with his sister's kid, and then it had been back to Kyoto for a year for his sick parents. Now... it was back to Tokyo and Kaoru had made the trip out to Kyoto to help pack him up again. In truth, this trip was less about that and more about offering something he'd been meaning to for a long time. It was a question that had to be asked, that had to be carefully executed so there'd be less of a chance of him showing how much it pained him if he got cut down.

 

He heard the heavy clunk of a box, knowing Kyo had finished shoving his closet into a box and carted it out to the stack beside the door. Back still to him, Kaoru cleared his throat, gaze focusing on the beam of sunlight slowly creeping across the kitchen floor. "You know... I've got a spare room and I'd welcome the company." He didn't bother to make it longer than that, not so much a question as an offer, and _yet_ his heart still hammered painfully in his chest.

 

There was a shuffle of footsteps and then a snort. "And why would I do that?"

 

Maybe it wasn't as biting as it could have been. Perhaps it was a softer blow than Kaoru had been expected, if he told the truth. All the same, it cut him like a thousand knives and he could _feel_ the pain of such a blatant rejection. Eighteen years he'd known him and Kyo could still cut him to the very bone.

 

Kaoru took a scalding sip of his coffee, straightened from the doorframe, and made a beeline for the coffee maker. "Just an offer." The words came out stiffer than he meant them to, his pain reflecting in them, and he knew he should have kept his mouth shut the instant the sound of his voice crossed the air between them. Settling his mug down, he poured more coffee for himself and then ditched the rest down the drain, settling the carafe into the sink to wash in a few minutes, quickly taking care of the filter and starting to disassemble the machine.

 

Kyo's hand slid over the small of his back and with how Kaoru's hands shook, he was glad he wasn't holding his mug at that moment. "Hey..." his voice was soft now, a pained little lilt to Kaoru's ears. "You meant it, didn't you?" Silence for a beat and then, "Your place, I mean."

 

Kaoru pressed his palms to the counter, looking down into his mug for lack of anywhere better to stare while he was facing away from Kyo. "I did."

 

"It's a big deal?"

 

Kaoru gave a single curt nod.

 

"Shit..." Kyo's hand drifted up to his shoulder and managed to pry him around to face him. Their eyes met and Kaoru could feel his anger fading at the regret painted across Kyo's face. "I shouldn't have dismissed you like that." His fingertips ghosted over Kaoru's cheek and then up into his hair, tugging him down and pressing the softest of kisses to his lips.

 

Kaoru's lips tingled when Kyo pulled back, his heart flip-flopping as he grappled with how best to respond to what he'd always wanted to happen actually _happening_.

 

Fingertips dragged down his cheek as Kyo stepped back. "I don't think I should move in, not the best way to start something like this, right?"

 

Relief flooded through Kaoru's body, leaving him sagged against the counter, a dazed little smile upon his lips. "Yeah... maybe not." For once, everything would be _okay_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyo's hands slipped up under his shirt, pushing the thin cotton up and letting his warm hands rest against Die's abdomen, fingertips stroking over his muscles. Die closed his eyes, letting the enjoyable sensation ripple through him as he thought about how they'd ended up here. Sure, the start had been shaky and horrible, the remnants of Die's psyche clinging to reality after the loss of his mother. But it had also meant so much more when Kyo had been at his side to help him back to his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the "things" meme on tumblr - #16. things you said with no space between us - Voxal  
> Same universe as [Finding Home](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7835992)  
> Song[s]: "Anthem of the Angels" by Breaking Benjamin

Die leaned back just the barest amount, feeling Kyo's chin resting lightly on his shoulder as he slid his arms around him from behind. He twirled his unlit cigarette between his fingers, captured it between index and middle finger and then rested his hand on the railing in front of him.

 

Kyo's hands slipped up under his shirt, pushing the thin cotton up and letting his warm hands rest against Die's abdomen, fingertips stroking over his muscles. Die closed his eyes, letting the enjoyable sensation ripple through him as he thought about how they'd ended up here. Sure, the start had been shaky and horrible, the remnants of Die's psyche clinging to reality after the loss of his mother. But it had also meant so much more when Kyo had been at his side to help him back to his feet.

 

There hadn't been hesitation or deliberation, Kyo had simply moved in with Die in those first few fragile months, had kept Die glued together in the worst minutes of his life. More importantly, he'd kept him from falling back on old habits and he'd shown him what love could be. Neither of them had said it, but he'd been _feeling_ it the entire time.

 

Reaching back, Die let his hand drift over Kyo's hair, lightly filtering it through his fingers and chuckling as Kyo's hands tucked just barely into the waistband of his pants. It was a habit, one Die didn't mind in the least. Turning his head, he waited on Kyo to rise up on his tiptoes and their lips met for a second before it broke off, leaving Die grinning like a complete dope.

 

Kyo reached and turned him, peeling back from him just enough to get Die facing him. Once Die had settled against the railing again, Kyo stepped into his embrace, rested his hands lightly against his chest as their eyes met and held.

 

Die shifted, one hand slipping into Kyo's hair, the other resting at his hip. Leaning down, he gently tasted his mouth once more, tongue flicking across his lips before he drew back, just watching Kyo's expression - all of the love and adoration shining in every line. There were some words that didn't need to be spoken to be understood. Even as their lips met again, Die _knew_ exactly what they both would have said, what they _were_ saying without a single whisper upon the air.

 

This was, and would always be, _love_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don't know half the fucked up shit I'm into. I mean, not like _you are_ , but some pretty messed stuff." Die picked up his burger, took a small bite off the side of it and put it back on the plate as he chewed. Toshiya really was into some pretty strange shit, not that it bothered Die, but if he was being bated, then he'd toss as good as he got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the "things" meme on tumblr - #11 Things you said when you were drunk - sakura_ame  
> I know you didn't ask for one, but _Happy Birthday, darling!_  
>  Song[s]: "Giving In" by Adema

"Sometimes I just want to do _horrible_ things to him, you know?" Die's voice rang out a bit clearer than he'd intended for it to. The alcohol swimming in his body had loosened his lips and he wasn't sure anything was going to stop him from plowing right on through this particular conversation, despite the somewhat amused look on Toshiya's face.

 

"Oh?" Toshiya flicked his glance past Die's shoulder and then right back to Die. "Like what?"

 

Die leaned forward, propping his chin on his hand as he debated it, grinning when he dredged up a few choice items. "Ya know how he gets these _massive_ boners on stage? Well, sometimes I just want to _take care of it_ for him after." Die hesitated for a moment there, reaching for his mostly empty glass of beer. Draining the dredges, he stacked the cup with the other four still on the table and then leaned on his forearms, closer to Toshiya. "If he had _any_ idea some of the things I've dreamed up, he'd have a friggin' _cow_."

 

Again Toshiya's eyes flicked behind Die and then he leaned forward, dropping his voice. "C'mon, Die, _spill_ some of the juicy details."

 

Die leaned in, biting his lip and then huffing out a laugh. "I'd let him do _anything_ he wanted with me. I'd _choke_ on his fuckin' cock if it got him off."

 

"So vanilla... so predictable." Toshiya leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. "Poor predictable Die. You must be a snooze-fest in bed, hmm?" It was bating and Die _knew_ that, but it didn't stop him from catching it.

 

"You don't know half the fucked up shit I'm into. I mean, not like _you are_ , but some pretty messed stuff." Die picked up his burger, took a small bite off the side of it and put it back on the plate as he chewed. Toshiya really was into some pretty strange shit, not that it bothered Die, but if he was being bated, then he'd toss as good as he got.

 

"I bet you don't have a single solitary thing that even rivals my most innocent desire. C'mon pretty boy, what gets you sticky?"

 

Die snorted, swallowing his bite of burger and crossing his arms to match Toshiya's. "If you can't understand it from what I said, maybe you don't deserve to know." Die flashed a wicked smile at Toshiya. "But I'll take pity on you because you seem to think that many beers is going to get me _that_ fucked up that I wouldn't know he's _right behind me_." Die stood up then, turned and met Kyo's eyes, a grin slipping across his lips. "Not joking, if you _ever_ want someone to _choke_ on your cock, I'm more than willing." Skirting past Kyo, he headed toward the exit, towards their waiting bus.

 

The last thing he heard was Kyo's laugh and a very distinct, "See ya, Totchi, I'm gonna get my _dick sucked_."

 

 _Nothing_ could have wiped the grin off of Die's face right then.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryouga slumped back against the wall, his heart pounding in his chest. His back pressed against the cool dampness of the brick, fingertips dragging over the rough texture to ground him even the slightest bit. Shivering, he closed his eyes listening as Tsuzuku and someone he didn't know spoke. They'd been huddled in a way that had implied intimacy when he'd nearly rounded the corner a moment before and while he _knew_ he shouldn't be settling here to _listen_ , he couldn't quite help himself. Fabric shifted and the scrape of a shoe on pavement met his ears.  
> Ryouga/Tsuzuku, Tsuzuku/Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For mini fic meme on tumblr #20, things you said that I wasn't meant to hear - for jrock-miso  
> Song[s]: "The Gun Show" by In This Moment

Ryouga slumped back against the wall, his heart pounding in his chest. His back pressed against the cool dampness of the brick, fingertips dragging over the rough texture to ground him even the slightest bit. Shivering, he closed his eyes listening as Tsuzuku and someone he didn't know spoke. They'd been huddled in a way that had implied intimacy when he'd nearly rounded the corner a moment before and while he _knew_ he shouldn't be settling here to _listen_ , he couldn't quite help himself. Fabric shifted and the scrape of a shoe on pavement met his ears.

His heart pounded against his ribs and his breath hitched as he heard Tsuzuku's breathy laugh and then, "Shit, baby, _suck_ it."

Closing his eyes, Ryouga let himself imagine it was him being told that, him on his knees for Tsuzuku. He almost didn't catch the whine that bubbled up and failed completely to stop the surge of lust at the mere idea of it.

The distinct sounds of someone sucking cock drifted to him and he heard Tsuzuku's half-strangled moan, heard a hand hit brick, and then the slight sound of someone choking. He shuddered, not stopping himself as he pressed one fingertip past his own lips, tongue flicking over his finger as if it were what he really wanted to be doing this to. His hips rolled and his free hand drifted down to grope at his own cock, forming his fingers around it through the fabric of his pants and giving it a few quick jerks. 

How many times had he been here? Just like this? Supposed to meet his _friend_ at the club and instead knowing he'd find him starting his evening in the back alley with some random stranger swallowing him down. How many times had he pressed himself to this very brick wall and bit back every whine and whimper as he edged himself so very close to that line? And how many times had he walked away at the last possible second, shame filling him to the point he had to go sit in a coffee shop a half-block away until he'd calmed down before he could slip into the club to join Tsuzuku?

 _Too many_.

He could hear Ryouga's desperate breath, could heard just how _close_ he was. Stepping around the edge of the wall, he kept one hand on it, the other still very clearly rubbing over the evidence of his arousal as he took in the full scene. Tsuzuku thrusting his cock into his man's mouth, the guy drooling on himself, the evidence of how quickly he'd cum drying on the pavement between his legs. It was all glorious for a few precious seconds before their eyes met and then the panic came slamming through his body.

Before he could move, Tsuzuku was throwing his head back, arching as he let out a quiet cry and the guy pulled off of his cock, stroking him through his orgasm as he pulsed it out over his lips. A shudder ripped through Tsuzuku and Ryouga settled back into the shadows, heart going a million miles an hour as he waited, watching as Tsuzuku carefully finished with the guy and ushered him away.

There was silence in the alley for a moment and then, "Finally you reveal yourself."

Shivering, Ryouga took a few cautious steps and slumped against the wall beside Tsuzuku, looking down at his shoes, at the pearlescent drops of cum drying on the ground at Tsuzuku's feet. "You've known." It wasn't a question, just a gentle voicing of his resignation.

Tsuzuku let out a quiet huff of a laugh. "I've known the whole time. First time was a fluke and after that... it's been _for you_."

Their eyes met for an instant, confusion lacing Ryouga's gaze. "But-" before he could get more than that out, Tsuzuku was there, kneeling in front of him, working his pants open and freeing his aching cock to the world. Not a single protest came up as he let himself spear his hands in Tsuzuku's hair, let him take his cock in his mouth and go after him in earnest. 

Even as he fell apart in his mouth, he couldn't think of a single other way this could have ever gone. Somehow, some way, they'd have ended up right here, _just like this_ , no matter what.


End file.
